Turning Myself into a Lab Rat

Yes, I have been lazy about posting again, but bright side, I’ve been balancing the rest of my life very well!

Except for one area. I’ve been going a little crazy with the drinks lately.

Don’t get confused, I’m in no way dependent, but when I have partaken in some silly juice, it’s a lot of fucking silly juice. I honestly like the feeling of being intoxicated. You just don’t give a fuck and that can be really nice sometimes.

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But what is this doing to my body? Specifically, my weight? We all know that alcohol has hidden sugars and calories that we don’t think about for one reason or another, so sitting down and drinking a bottle of wine with friends without thinking can add up pretty quick when you think about it.

So I’ve decided to run a little experiment.

What type of physical changes will I see if I don’t drink any alcohol for the month of June?

I don’t drink very often during the week, but I do go ham on the weekends and holy shit does that ruin my diet. Will I lose more weight? Will I see changes in my skin? More so, will I see changes in my weekend habits?¬†I definitely plan on keeping updates on how things change and while I probably won’t have a drink tomorrow, I will only be considering changes that occur during the month of June.

I don’t have one specific reason to be doing this besides morbid curiosity. I know that I can go a month without drinking, but I’m genuinely curious about what it will mean for my health. For all I know, this could be something completely mind blowing and I’ll rarely drink ever again! OR! It could show nothing changing and I go back to my regular life.

I guess only time will tell.

Failing at Adulting

I feel like everyone is good at balancing their lives, but somehow I just can’t seem to manage it…

Wake up by 5:30, make breakfast and lunches, out the door by 7am to be at work by 8am, work non-stop till 4pm, workout, get home by 6:30, cook dinner, clean, spend time with spouse, asleep by 9pm.

It’s all laid out, and for some reason it never all happens and I just can’t get it to work in a way where it does. Something will happen at work, or my work out class will be cancelled, or dinner will take longer to cook than planned. I don’t know where I got the expectation that it was possible to make everything go smoothly in a day, I know it’s rare for such a thing to happen, but I really wish it could. I don’t do well when things aren’t planned or change last minute.

I’ve been known to have a meltdown or two over it…

emma-stone-freak-out

I think my generation (generation y aka millennials) has an interesting amount of standards that many of us feel we have to live up to.

We see our grandparents, many who have had successful marriages for 60+ years, strong, opinionated, bought houses at a young age, and very family focused. We hear them talk about how hard but wonderful their lives were (my grandparents both grew up on farms) and that you make things work no matter how hard it is.

Then we see our parents, the Baby Boomers. Highly successful career wise, raising families in a time where few people had to worry about money like they do today, pre-recession. They went to college that resulted in successful, high-paying jobs, were able to afford a family and home right away in many cases, and had the outlook that things would stay this way forever many times.

We grew up hearing stories from both groups, were promised that if you work hard and go to college, your life will be good. But things haven’t worked out that way for everyone. Now, many people don’t see a college degree as enough to work for their company and won’t even give you a chance. The housing market is out of reach for many, as well as the rental market as well (at least here in Seattle). More people value free labor over well paid, loyal employees.

I even recently sat in on a seminar where the speaker stated “why hire a coordinator when you can keep hiring interns for free”. The faces of all the coordinators around the room were quite sad.

A lot of people like to say we (generation y) just want to complain and not work, but we’re set to unreachable expectations in a society that is very different then that of our parents and grandparents. For many of us, we don’t know how to deal with not being able to live up to the lives that we were told about, no matter how hard many of us try. I in no way blame the generations before us for any of this, how were they to know that things would turn out so different for our generation?

My happiness is directly linked to how successful I feel my day was very often, which is really sad. I want a specific life for myself, the one I built in my head from the stories of others that I thought would mean perfection, and I’m learning that it probably will never exist, and that has to be okay. At what point do we decide that a dream is unreachable, and thus we must alter our dream so that they can become reality?

I found this interesting video that Buzzfeed posted a few weeks ago, I suggest you take a few minutes to watch it and perhaps it will give some insight on just how much the time that we were born affects us as adults.

I Just Can’t Seem to… SQUIRREL!

I can’t focus and I’ve had a hard time doing so over the last few weeks. I’m the type of person that takes great pride in getting shit done, whether it be in my personal or professional life. I believe that everything should be earned and love when things I do and create make other people happy and make their lives easier.

Remember that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Andy pulls off the amazing Harry Potter book magic (which probably lost another person their job, lets be honest) and it fucking amazed Miranda so much that she even started to smile? Ya, I want to do that, I want to be the person who makes Miranda Priestly smile.

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But now I seem to be going down in this rabbit hole of shiny things that won’t let me keep a thought longer than 10 minutes. Even writing this post is hard and writing is my favorite thing to do! It just makes me feel like garbage.

I know that I’m way too hard on myself sometimes and its a big reason why I’ve had so many personal issues in my life, but I can’t help it, its just how I am. I want to be perfect. I don’t even know what that means honestly…. I’m so critical of myself for things that I think are wonderful in other people that I don’t even know what perfect means, just that I want to be it.

I feel better about everything when I’m able to focus. Its nice to be able to take the time to process each thought and problem, to deal with everything in a logical order and then not have to give it a second thought later. Now everything keeps coming up at once, like waves that are just crashing down on me and I’m slowly drowning. I can see myself coming closer and closer to the anxiety covered rocks and I just have to figure out which way is up.

The reason that I started this blog was to motivate myself and gain some insight on my feelings and thoughts. Sitting here now, taking the time to write something and think, I feel like the best way above the water is to just calm down and let myself float to the top. The last 2 weeks at home and work have just been insane with so much to do and a pressure I put on myself that I am the only one that can do it all. The only time I haven’t thought about deadlines, dishes, laundry, and cooking has been when my friends come over and for those few hours, I can focus. I’m able to have conversations where I’m completely present and happy.

I think I just need to find a way to get some guilt free relaxation.

Learning to Self Motivate

First post! I feel that it is somewhat necessary to state that, although the reason behind that feeling is completely lost on me.

Everyone should know that I self sabotage. I let my laziness get in the way a lot of the time and it stops me from doing a lot that I really want to do. Sometimes I use excuses like I’m tired or work was just crazy, but I know that really it’s just me avoiding being active.

Side note: sometimes I am honest with myself about this, I love my cat, she’s cuddly and I don’t object to the idea of skipping the gym to go home and be with her.

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With all of this in mind, I have spent most of my life¬†obsessively dieting and exercising, and as I’ve gotten older and gone through many life changes and injuries, my lifestyle has done a 180. I have reached a point now what I know, and want, to make improvements to myself, physically and mentally, and I’m making strides to do so.

I’ve been attending hot yoga 2 to 3 times a week (3 if super attractive teacher is there, I’m shallow) and now am trying to do more on the weekends. It’s definitely easier when I’m with friends or others to help distract me from my body being mad at me for moving, but with my limited social circle, I’m having to self motivate.

HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!

I thoroughly believe that if you are a person who constantly, 100% of the time, want to be out doing something, you are insane. It’s nice to curl up with your partner (or momentary person) and watch a movie, you can’t deny that. So how do you move yourself? I’m still learning, but the best way that I’ve found so far is just remembering how much I do love running around. It was easier when my friends and I didn’t have 40 – 60 hour a week jobs with kids and spouses and pets, but that is all part of growing up. So for now, I’m finding new ways each week, one of them being this blog.

If you’re reading this, how do you motivate yourself? I’m sure there are hundreds of ways that I’m completely missing and work shockingly well.