Forging a Relationship with Myself

I haven’t written in a while, completely breaking my own rules that I was dedicated to following when I first started to write this blog. Sadly, my moods have been controlling my actions a little bit more than I would like lately and it’s affecting my good habits a bit.

I will say that even though I don’t have my photographic evidence, I have been walking on the weekends, just in a grumpy sort of way that did not include picture taking.

But on we go….

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As I’ve mentioned before in this neverending story, a large reason that I really enjoy my yoga classes are the “intent” that my teachers offer us every class. Sometimes its something fairly broad, like a feeling, but other times it is something more specific, such as the intent offered yesterday.

Apparently Harvard finished a 75 year study about what truly makes people happy, a meaning of life type of mindset if you will. What they found was that it was not money or things that truly make people happy, but instead it is the relationships that we keep in our lives.

I thought about this a lot while I bent and snapped (if you don’t know this reference I highly encourage you to do some research) and twisted and unwound. I don’t have a million relationships with others, but the ones I do have range from general pleasantries every once in a while, to deep, emotional, close relationships. But then I started to go deeper.

What about my relationship with myself?

I never had a healthy relationship with myself, not until recently when I decided to make it a priority along with my other life changes. Its easy to not have a relationship with yourself. We are distracted by things around us and worries about others, not paying attention to what we are doing and how much we can turn into a completely different person then we used to know, without even realizing that it’s happening.

You catch yourself starting to do and say things that you wouldn’t have a year ago. Is it because something happened? Is it based on a feeling? An action committed by another? There are so many reasons it hurts my head thinking about it. In the end I don’t think it matters why we change as much as it does that we know we are, and that we are content with who we are becoming.

My first step was starting this blog. I’ve always been able to think better when I write, process thoughts clearer. I always feel that I can be a more honest person when words are written rather than spoken. I think that it is because of this that I’m starting to find a better relationship with myself. I understand who I am becoming as a person, a woman, and a spouse, and I’m learning to be more honest with myself about all of these things as well.

Along with this understanding and relationship I am forging, I’m starting to learn how to be my own person while still keeping the other relationships that are so important in my life. I am learning that I am my own keeper, completely, when I am honest with myself and that as long as I keep this relationship strong and honest, that I will be happier in all others.

I Just Can’t Seem to… SQUIRREL!

I can’t focus and I’ve had a hard time doing so over the last few weeks. I’m the type of person that takes great pride in getting shit done, whether it be in my personal or professional life. I believe that everything should be earned and love when things I do and create make other people happy and make their lives easier.

Remember that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Andy pulls off the amazing Harry Potter book magic (which probably lost another person their job, lets be honest) and it fucking amazed Miranda so much that she even started to smile? Ya, I want to do that, I want to be the person who makes Miranda Priestly smile.

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But now I seem to be going down in this rabbit hole of shiny things that won’t let me keep a thought longer than 10 minutes. Even writing this post is hard and writing is my favorite thing to do! It just makes me feel like garbage.

I know that I’m way too hard on myself sometimes and its a big reason why I’ve had so many personal issues in my life, but I can’t help it, its just how I am. I want to be perfect. I don’t even know what that means honestly…. I’m so critical of myself for things that I think are wonderful in other people that I don’t even know what perfect means, just that I want to be it.

I feel better about everything when I’m able to focus. Its nice to be able to take the time to process each thought and problem, to deal with everything in a logical order and then not have to give it a second thought later. Now everything keeps coming up at once, like waves that are just crashing down on me and I’m slowly drowning. I can see myself coming closer and closer to the anxiety covered rocks and I just have to figure out which way is up.

The reason that I started this blog was to motivate myself and gain some insight on my feelings and thoughts. Sitting here now, taking the time to write something and think, I feel like the best way above the water is to just calm down and let myself float to the top. The last 2 weeks at home and work have just been insane with so much to do and a pressure I put on myself that I am the only one that can do it all. The only time I haven’t thought about deadlines, dishes, laundry, and cooking has been when my friends come over and for those few hours, I can focus. I’m able to have conversations where I’m completely present and happy.

I think I just need to find a way to get some guilt free relaxation.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

So every Saturday night, I play Dungeons and Dragons with my best friends. While attempted to actually move forward in our campaign last night, the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks took over and we all just ended up talking the whole night. Topics ranged from YouTube videos to work to politics, and eventually, to mental health. Thus we come to my topic to today: an overview of my life with depression and what it means to me now.

While I wasn’t diagnosed with depression until I was a teenager, I thoroughly believe that I’ve had it since before puberty. Growing up, I felt a certain amount of pressure to look and act, and that I just couldn’t live up to these standards (whether I set them for myself or someone else did). While some people can come to terms with this reality and flourish from this, I was not one of these people and found myself being eaten away by these thoughts and other problems arose because of this.

A lack of self respect. Isolation. Anger. Eating disorders. Poor grades. Clinical anxiety. A desperation to feel anything.

It took me a long time to work through many of these issues that were resulting from my depression and sometimes I still struggle with them, but one major thing that I have gained from this is perspective. Looking back on my life, for as short and tumultuous as it has been (I’m 26), I’ve realized some interesting things.

While many suffer alone when they have depression, I found myself drawn to others with the same issues that I was facing and took solace in this. No one spoke of the issues that they were feeling, we were young and probably didn’t even know what was happening with us, but it was a very strong connection and brought us together. I am still close friends with many of these people to this day. While my darkest days were some of the worst, moments within them with others also made them some of my best and this combination has formed me into the person I am today.

Outspoken. Driven. Honest. Loving. Happy. Unstoppable.

The thing about depression is, when you start to make it out to the other side, you realize that it forms you and makes you so much stronger than you would have been otherwise. I in no way claim to be better, I work daily to stay healthy and sane, but I understand what is happening and have the mechanics and knowledge to push through what happens, and have support from others like my mother and husband to help me on those really bad days.

I’m not sure what I hope to gain from writing this, perhaps just a better level of honestly with myself or maybe greater insight into something that has taken me over 10 years to understand. Either way, I will continue my chronicling of this ever changing me.