I can’t focus and I’ve had a hard time doing so over the last few weeks. I’m the type of person that takes great pride in getting shit done, whether it be in my personal or professional life. I believe that everything should be earned and love when things I do and create make other people happy and make their lives easier.
Remember that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Andy pulls off the amazing Harry Potter book magic (which probably lost another person their job, lets be honest) and it fucking amazed Miranda so much that she even started to smile? Ya, I want to do that, I want to be the person who makes Miranda Priestly smile.
But now I seem to be going down in this rabbit hole of shiny things that won’t let me keep a thought longer than 10 minutes. Even writing this post is hard and writing is my favorite thing to do! It just makes me feel like garbage.
I know that I’m way too hard on myself sometimes and its a big reason why I’ve had so many personal issues in my life, but I can’t help it, its just how I am. I want to be perfect. I don’t even know what that means honestly…. I’m so critical of myself for things that I think are wonderful in other people that I don’t even know what perfect means, just that I want to be it.
I feel better about everything when I’m able to focus. Its nice to be able to take the time to process each thought and problem, to deal with everything in a logical order and then not have to give it a second thought later. Now everything keeps coming up at once, like waves that are just crashing down on me and I’m slowly drowning. I can see myself coming closer and closer to the anxiety covered rocks and I just have to figure out which way is up.
The reason that I started this blog was to motivate myself and gain some insight on my feelings and thoughts. Sitting here now, taking the time to write something and think, I feel like the best way above the water is to just calm down and let myself float to the top. The last 2 weeks at home and work have just been insane with so much to do and a pressure I put on myself that I am the only one that can do it all. The only time I haven’t thought about deadlines, dishes, laundry, and cooking has been when my friends come over and for those few hours, I can focus. I’m able to have conversations where I’m completely present and happy.
I think I just need to find a way to get some guilt free relaxation.