I Just Can’t Seem to… SQUIRREL!

I can’t focus and I’ve had a hard time doing so over the last few weeks. I’m the type of person that takes great pride in getting shit done, whether it be in my personal or professional life. I believe that everything should be earned and love when things I do and create make other people happy and make their lives easier.

Remember that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Andy pulls off the amazing Harry Potter book magic (which probably lost another person their job, lets be honest) and it fucking amazed Miranda so much that she even started to smile? Ya, I want to do that, I want to be the person who makes Miranda Priestly smile.

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But now I seem to be going down in this rabbit hole of shiny things that won’t let me keep a thought longer than 10 minutes. Even writing this post is hard and writing is my favorite thing to do! It just makes me feel like garbage.

I know that I’m way too hard on myself sometimes and its a big reason why I’ve had so many personal issues in my life, but I can’t help it, its just how I am. I want to be perfect. I don’t even know what that means honestly…. I’m so critical of myself for things that I think are wonderful in other people that I don’t even know what perfect means, just that I want to be it.

I feel better about everything when I’m able to focus. Its nice to be able to take the time to process each thought and problem, to deal with everything in a logical order and then not have to give it a second thought later. Now everything keeps coming up at once, like waves that are just crashing down on me and I’m slowly drowning. I can see myself coming closer and closer to the anxiety covered rocks and I just have to figure out which way is up.

The reason that I started this blog was to motivate myself and gain some insight on my feelings and thoughts. Sitting here now, taking the time to write something and think, I feel like the best way above the water is to just calm down and let myself float to the top. The last 2 weeks at home and work have just been insane with so much to do and a pressure I put on myself that I am the only one that can do it all. The only time I haven’t thought about deadlines, dishes, laundry, and cooking has been when my friends come over and for those few hours, I can focus. I’m able to have conversations where I’m completely present and happy.

I think I just need to find a way to get some guilt free relaxation.

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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

So every Saturday night, I play Dungeons and Dragons with my best friends. While attempted to actually move forward in our campaign last night, the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks took over and we all just ended up talking the whole night. Topics ranged from YouTube videos to work to politics, and eventually, to mental health. Thus we come to my topic to today: an overview of my life with depression and what it means to me now.

While I wasn’t diagnosed with depression until I was a teenager, I thoroughly believe that I’ve had it since before puberty. Growing up, I felt a certain amount of pressure to look and act, and that I just couldn’t live up to these standards (whether I set them for myself or someone else did). While some people can come to terms with this reality and flourish from this, I was not one of these people and found myself being eaten away by these thoughts and other problems arose because of this.

A lack of self respect. Isolation. Anger. Eating disorders. Poor grades. Clinical anxiety. A desperation to feel anything.

It took me a long time to work through many of these issues that were resulting from my depression and sometimes I still struggle with them, but one major thing that I have gained from this is perspective. Looking back on my life, for as short and tumultuous as it has been (I’m 26), I’ve realized some interesting things.

While many suffer alone when they have depression, I found myself drawn to others with the same issues that I was facing and took solace in this. No one spoke of the issues that they were feeling, we were young and probably didn’t even know what was happening with us, but it was a very strong connection and brought us together. I am still close friends with many of these people to this day.¬†While my darkest days were some of the worst, moments within them with others also made them some of my best and this combination has formed me into the person I am today.

Outspoken. Driven. Honest. Loving. Happy. Unstoppable.

The thing about depression is, when you start to make it out to the other side, you realize that it forms you and makes you so much stronger than you would have been otherwise. I in no way claim to be better, I work daily to stay healthy and sane, but I understand what is happening and have the mechanics and knowledge to push through what happens, and have support from others like my mother and husband to help me on those really bad days.

I’m not sure what I hope to gain from writing this, perhaps just a better level of honestly with myself or maybe greater insight into something that has taken me over 10 years to understand. Either way, I will continue my chronicling of this ever changing me.

Lonely Workout 1

Due to the fact that I am alone a lot on the weekends, I feel that it is only appropriate for me to call workouts on these days my Lonely Workout Series. This is not to gain pity or something ridiculous like that, but I don’t believe in glossing over things and want to be up front on this blog.

Today’s adventure led me to Lincoln Park in West Seattle. I didn’t live in West Seattle when I was younger, but most of my friends did and thus I was raised there by my friends in my formative years. If you’ve never been to Lincoln Park, put it on your list. I’m completely biased but it is such a wonderful place in Seattle and as long as you’re fine with the possibility of being taken down by a happy labradoodle (this did happen today), its a place for you.

While I only ran all of 1.5 minutes, I did walk the whole park and that did make me feel like I accomplished something, especially since before I got to the park, I had just been laying in bed with my cat, a trend you will probably notice after a while. Being out in the fresh air and exploring the woods, which make up a large part of the park, made me feel so happy to be there and helped me remember a very pure reason why I loved being outside when I was younger.

I definitely think that I will be making this a consistent activity in my weekends now, especially going into Summer. Along with that, hopefully some brighter pictures will show up to, today is very stereotypical for Seattle weather.

Learning to Self Motivate

First post! I feel that it is somewhat necessary to state that, although the reason behind that feeling is completely lost on me.

Everyone should know that I self sabotage. I let my laziness get in the way a lot of the time and it stops me from doing a lot that I really want to do. Sometimes I use excuses like I’m tired or work was just crazy, but I know that really it’s just me avoiding being active.

Side note: sometimes I am honest with myself about this, I love my cat, she’s cuddly and I don’t object to the idea of skipping the gym to go home and be with her.

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With all of this in mind, I have spent most of my life¬†obsessively dieting and exercising, and as I’ve gotten older and gone through many life changes and injuries, my lifestyle has done a 180. I have reached a point now what I know, and want, to make improvements to myself, physically and mentally, and I’m making strides to do so.

I’ve been attending hot yoga 2 to 3 times a week (3 if super attractive teacher is there, I’m shallow) and now am trying to do more on the weekends. It’s definitely easier when I’m with friends or others to help distract me from my body being mad at me for moving, but with my limited social circle, I’m having to self motivate.

HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!

I thoroughly believe that if you are a person who constantly, 100% of the time, want to be out doing something, you are insane. It’s nice to curl up with your partner (or momentary person) and watch a movie, you can’t deny that. So how do you move yourself? I’m still learning, but the best way that I’ve found so far is just remembering how much I do love running around. It was easier when my friends and I didn’t have 40 – 60 hour a week jobs with kids and spouses and pets, but that is all part of growing up. So for now, I’m finding new ways each week, one of them being this blog.

If you’re reading this, how do you motivate yourself? I’m sure there are hundreds of ways that I’m completely missing and work shockingly well.